New Beginnings

January 12, 2010

It is the end of a long day not unlike many days over the past years.  Life for Jan and I has had the element of doctors, medicines, waiting rooms and strange names to stranger diseases for many years so these past days have not held any surprises, just more of the same.

But tonight I’ve returned alone to this little apartment that the Lord has graciously provided.  One friend on finding out just how small it was wrote to Jan that “it is smaller than our living room!  I don’t know where you found a spot to put Dennis.”  Even this is not new though.  I’ve left hospitals late at night too many times over these past years and wondered what the next day would bring.

Mind you, I am not sad or worried or lonely.   What I am is very aware of how much this long trial has made Jan and I one.  I simply feel incomplete right now.  This now begins the longest season we will be apart through the night watches since we married.

Tomorrow at 5:30 am, Jan will begin the first round of chemotherapy.  The word is two-fold… chemo from the word “chemical” and therapy meaning “the act of caring for someone.”  It is severe mercy as one favorite writer would call it.  This first dose will determine how much of the drugs will be administered over the next seven days.  But what I want you to know is this.

I feel strongly in the Lord that everything is going to be alright.  I have a sense that this is the end of the long trial, not the beginning of a new one.  I have had to bring myself to believe this because of the caution we have learned to live with over the years.  God’s Word tells us that every trial must end and the end will bring a greater purpose as long as you don’t bale out early.  Well, we have not.

Our flesh responds to trials by telling us that nothing will ever change.  We become convinced that the circumstances are not only not fair (you will always compare yourself to someone else) but also not justified and certainly intolerable to remain in.  If you fear God you will try to wait it out… but not patiently.  And finally, in the long process through the trial you will come to the realization that you most certainly can live in the “cruel and unusual” circumstances.  It is at that point that you prosper.  You receive grace.  You become humble and if you finally submit to God, you actually become a much better and grace-filled person.

If you have admired Jan over the years of this disease, that is the reason why.  She submitted to God and choose His grace over the world’s bitterness.  She is honestly the most faith filled person I know.  She is long beyond ever questioning her Father’s love for her.   After all, isn’t that really the essence of faith… knowing that God will never leave and never forsake?

And so we begin this final phase of polycythemia rubra vera, anti-phospholipid antibody syndrome, idiopathic thrombocytopenia purpura, spent phase, hydroxyuria, gene mutations, daily injections of drugs, and constant doctor’s appointments.  Tomorrow is a new day that will begin a new season of life.

If you still marvel at the grace that Jan walks in, please consider this.  When Jesus is given control of a life, He actually provides the power to live life above and beyond what you ever thought possible.  Bitterness will keep you enslaved to depression and cynicism but the love of God found and embraced at the worst times of life frees you in a way you never thought possible.  I want you to know that is why both Jan and I find such joy in the midst of these circumstances.  Without Jesus I would never be able to write these things.

I challenge you to pray a short and sincere prayer like this…

“Jesus, if you are really who you say you are, show me.
I want to know the truth and I want to be free.  Amen.”

Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship with the only true God.  He did not come to enslave you to a set of religious rules, He came to set you free from whatever enslaves you.  Give Him a chance. He will not disappoint.

Thanks for praying for Jan.  She will need it over these next days of severe trial.  And thanks for reading these rambling thoughts. It is good to know I can share them with you.

Maranatha!



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